Six Secrets of Strong Families
From Secrets of Strong Families by Nick Stinnett and John DeFrain

Do strong families still exist? After 30 years as marriage and family counselors, we know that despite the average family’s ups and downs, the answer is yes. What puzzled us was why so much media attention focused on the down side of family life.

We decided that part of the problem might be a lack of information, and that a round of research – on family strengths – might help to correct the negative slant. We placed a brief notice in four dozen newspapers in 25 states. “If you live in a strong family, please contact us. We know a lot about what makes families fail; we need to know more about what makes them succeed.”

Letters poured in. A questionnaire was mailed to each family who responded and the Family Strengths Research Project was born. So far, more than 3,000 families have participated.

One of the most surprising things to emerge is that six key qualities for making a strong family function were mentioned time and time again by many families. These qualities are:

1. Commitment

Crucial to any family’s success is an investment of time, energy, spirit and heart, an investment otherwise known as commitment. The family comes first. Family members are dedicated to promoting each other’s welfare and happiness – and they expect the family to endure.

For strong families, commitment and sexual fidelity are so closely linked that an extramarital affair is regarded as the ultimate threat to a marriage. “An affair does terrible things to your partner’s self-esteem,” one woman wrote. “It says: ‘You’re replaceable.’”

Some families have seen commitment eroded by a more subtle enemy – work, and its demands on time, attention, and energy. One Wisconsin father offered this insight: “sometimes I feel that the time I spend with my sons could be better spent at the office. Then I remind myself that the productivity report will affect life for a few days or weeks. I must do it and it’s important, but my job as a father is more important.

“If I’m a good father to my sons, they’re likely to be good parents too. Someday – after I’m gone, and certainly after that report has rotted – my grandchild or great-grandchild will have a good father because I was a good father.”

2. Time together

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