I think a lot of people can relate to what's in this entry.

My first issue of the weekly Q&A column from Marriage Builders came a few days ago. It's an e-column and it's for free, as is the monthly newsletter from the same group. You can easily subscribe by visiting the website. Or you can simply check out the courses, seminars, discussions and other Q&A materials in there. A lot of it can be quite enlightening.

Dr. Harley's reply to last week's Q&A question is four paragraphs long, but I'm posting it in full here as the topic is pretty relevant to many married couples:

The Marriage Builders® Weekly Q&A Column
By Willard F. Harley, Jr. Ph.D.
September 23, 2005

This Week:
--------------------------------
- Affection without Love (Emotional Needs)
--------------------------------

Dear Dr. Harley,

My wife needs me to tell her that I love her, verbally and with cards,
notes etc. My problem is I don't feel love for her and I am not
comfortable telling her I love her unless I honestly feel it. There
are a couple of things I can do to show affection like hugs, back rub
etc – should I just concentrate on these things? Even these things are
hard for me to do at this time because I do not feel love for her, but
I have done them because she needs it and raises a LARGE fuss if I
don't.

Benny

-      -      -      -      -      -      -

Dear Benny,

Love comes in two forms. The first is the FEELING of love, which is
what I hope you and your wife are able to eventually create in each
other. The second is COMMITMENT of care, which is what affection
communicates. When you express affection to your wife, you are not
telling her you are IN love with her, but rather that you care about
her, and will be there for her when she needs you. So you can honestly
express affection even if you are not in love, as long as you have
chosen to care for her.

But if you have not chosen to care for her, then you are really in
trouble, because it's your willingness to care for each other that
makes it possible to be IN LOVE with each other.  Without your care
for each other, you’re very unlikely to meet the needs that will
trigger your feeling of love.

The other point you made was that if you don't show your wife
affection, "she will raise a LARGE fuss." That means she has not
overcome Love Busters. As I mention repeatedly, demands will not help
either of you get into the habit of meeting each other's emotional
needs. The more she demands affection, the more likely it is that you
will develop an aversion to meeting her need. I encourage you to learn
to be an affectionate husband, but not because she will "raise a fuss"
if you don't. In fact, I want her to make a commitment never to demand
affection from you again.

I want you to be an expert at meeting your wife’s need for affection
because that's what it will take for her to be in love with you. And
be sure that she does the same for you by meeting your most important
emotional needs – not because you demand it, but because you both care
for each other.  When you have both learned to make each other happy,
you’ll be able to tell your wife that you not only care for her, but
you are also in love with her.

Best wishes

Willard F. Harley, Jr.

posted by sunnyday at 6:42 PM

1 Comments:

 sunnyday said...

hello there, chris!

great of you to drop by =)

7:28 AM  

Post a Comment

< < Home