In one classic analysis, social historian Jeanette Lauer and her husband, Robert, a specialist in human behavior, studied couples with enduring marriages. Among the couples the Lauers studied were 300 who had been happily married for 15 years or longer.

The Lauers described in an article in Psychology Today how the couples reflected a we-ness approach to their marriages. The couples made many "we" statements when describing their married life.

"We agree on aims and goals." "We laugh together." "We agree on a philosophy of life."

"We share outside hobbies and interests." "We agree about our sex life."

"We have a stimulating exchange of ideas." "We agree on how and how often to show affection."

"My spouse is my best friend." "I like my spouse as a person." "I confide in my spouse."

The happily married couples studied by the Lauers tried to do as many things together as possible. One husband said of his wife: "I would rather spend time with her, talk with her, be with her than with anyone else." Another said: "We try to share everything."

For these couples, said the Lauers: "'Till death do us part' is not a binding clause but a gratifying reality."

U.S. psychologist Nick Stinnett and John DeFrain, his colleague, have conducted studies of what they call "strong families." More than 3,000 families from all around the world contributed to the research and conclusions these authors described in the book Secrets of Strong Families.

They found that these families had several characteristics in common, in spite of the fact that they lived in such far-flung corners of the earth as the United States, Central and South America, South Africa or Germany, Austria and Switzerland.

The we-ness factor loomed large as binding glue in their marriages. "Members of strong families feel good about themselves as a family unit or team," wrote authors Stinnett and DeFrain. "They have a sense of belonging with each other -- a sense of 'we.'"

One husband said: "It came to me that the joy of life comes from the two of us together rather than outside things like career, hobbies, or leisure activities."

Strong families do not let careers slash into marriage bonds. Said one wife: "My husband and I decided that family is very important to us. Our relationship and our relationship with our children will outlast jobs and cars and houses."

These husbands and wives are first and foremost "we-always" couples. They are, we might say, wired together. "They share all (or nearly all) aspects of their lives with interest and joy," wrote Stinnett and DeFrain. They are mates, lovers, companions, partners, and best friends."

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Jeanette C. Lauer is Research Professor at U.S. International University, San Diego. She received her Ph.D. in Social History from Washington University, St. Louis. She has published numerous journal articles and co-authored fifteen books. Most recently she co-authored Becoming Family: Building a Stepfamily that Really Works. She is a member of the National Council on Family Relations, and the Stepfamily Association of America.

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